Birth Junkie

Hi.  I'm Amanda, and I'm a birth-aholic.
I can't help myself - I'm completely addicted to the subject of birth.  How did this happen, you might wonder?
It all started four years ago with the birth of my first son.  I had a pretty typical experience with him, not giving much thought to the process of birth before he actually left the womb.  I went into labor having only read What to Expect When You're Expecting, hoping for a natural childbirth experience for the simple reason that my mom had four children without any pain medication.  I figured it couldn't be that hard if she and other women had been giving birth since the beginning of time without drugs.  I ended up with a Pitocin drip, artificially ruptured membranes, narcotics through my IV, and an epidural.  I remember feeling great when the epidural was administered - such relief from the pain from the contractions that I had no idea how to handle at the time.  It was after the birth that the real pain set in, as I was left with both physical and emotional scarring.  I knew there had to be a better way, so I started dabbling in the birth and became a recreational reader on the subject.
When I became pregnant again, I took my habit to the next level.  I read whatever I could get my hands on, I watched documentaries about birth, and I talked to anyone who seemed to be willing to listen and share.  I found people in my community like me.  These women had natural childbirths, and they fed my addiction by sharing their birth stories and giving me more to read, more to watch, more to take in.  I felt like my eyes had been opened to a whole other world I never knew existed.  I wanted to be like the women I befriended and the ones I read about, whose births were a spiritual experience they participated in, not something that was done to them.
The birth of my second son was a life-changing experience.  I had never taken part in something so beautiful, so difficult, so empowering, and so sacred.  I wanted to shout from the mountain tops that I had been let in on one of the greatest secrets of life, that I was privileged to participate in something so divine.  It wasn't an easy labor or delivery, but I had done it on my own, and it was a truly amazing accomplishment.  I was hooked for life.
Now pregnant for the third time (with only about six weeks to go until my due date), I am consumed with thoughts about birth.  I'm completely obsessed!  The more I learn about the process, the more fascinating it becomes to me.  I wonder about things like how the baby knows to turn as it's leaving the birth canal, how the placenta knows to stop supplying the baby with oxygen and nutrients, how the whole process of labor begins in the first place.  It's mind-boggling, and I can't get enough of it.  I have three books on my nightstand as I type this - Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife, and Birth: The Surprising History of How We are Born.  That's just what I'm currently reading.  I watch YouTube clips of babies being born, just so I can watch that incredible moment where the baby goes from being a part of its mother to an individual, and I get goosebumps every time.  I read about birth stories or listen to them on PregTastic all the time, and I reflect on my own experiences of birth.  I'm even a part of a couple of online forums dedicated to pregnancy and birth - My Best Birth and, of course, PregTastic.  I fantasize about becoming a midwife someday, so that I can participate in that mystical process on a daily basis.
I can't wait to go into labor on my third son's birth day (bet you don't hear that every day!).  He and I (and his Dad, working magic with double hip squeezes and back rubs and encouraging words) will work together to bring him into the world.
At the same time, I'm a little sad because I know it will be the last time I get to go through birth.  I wonder if experiencing birth for the final time will be like a cold-turkey, detoxifying rehab for my addiction.  Will I want to put away my hippie-dippie natural birth books and start reading novels again?  Will I lose interest on the subject because it doesn't directly apply to me anymore?  I hope not.  I don't want to lose this high, this feeling that comes with the knowledge of how beautiful and empowering birth can be.  I hope I always feel this passionate about birth, that I can pass it on and share it with other women, so that they, too, might become birth junkies.   Does that make me a birth pusher?