Can't We All Just Get Along?

I recently had to remove myself from a few "mommy" websites.  I loved the content - articles and blogs and forums created by other moms.  As a self-declared birth junkie and mother of three boys, I love that stuff.  However, I just couldn't take the comments from random readers anymore.  These moms were so mean-spirited and hateful that I had to stop following.  Unlike the warmth and open-ness embraced by PregTASTIC listeners and panelists (insert shameless plug here!), these women were ruthless. One even wished cancer on another one and called her the "b" word!  Seriously?!

I first chalked it up to the anonymity of the Internet, a freedom in being able to say whatever you want with no repercussions.  But when I got to thinking about it, I've come to the conclusion that moms are "judgey" in real life, too, although we might not share our opinions as openly. 

I get judged all the time in the world of moms.  Here's the run-down on my pregnancy/birth/motherhood style: I gave birth to my children in a hospital setting (the first with "the works," the next two without drugs), I breastfeed my babies whenever and wherever they are hungry for about a year,  and I use chlorine-free disposable diapers.  So the crunchy mamas want to know why I didn't give birth at home, how I could wean my babies so quickly, and why in the world aren't I using cloth diapers?  Then the modern mamas think I'm crazy for having a baby without drugs, think I'm "one of those" crazy breastfeeders, and do I think I'm better than them because they use Pampers?  Of course I'm stereotyping and pigeon-holing and dramatizing for the purposes of this blog.  Sometimes, however, I feel like I'm defending my actions way more than I need to with other moms.  And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm guilty of some mommy-judging, too.

Motherhood is rough.  It's a long, tough journey.  Wouldn't it be better if we supported each other and helped each other instead of judging and bashing?  Can't we agree to disagree?  Of course!  So why do we still do it??

Here are my theories:

1. Women can be catty and competitive.  I'm pretty sure it's just a carry-over from our middle school days.  Instead of backpacks and trapper-keepers and school pictures, we're comparing our minivans and BPA-free teething toys, and how cute our babies are.  Of course we want to be the best and have the best and look the best when it comes to our children!

2. In today's society, we have a lot of options on how to parent - childbirth, feeding, circumcision, sleeping, diapering, eco-friendly parenting, the list goes on forever!  There's probably research and books published to support any parenting decision and any philosophy out there.  Parents want to do the best job they can for their kids, so they do their research (hopefully), make a choice, and stick to it.  Everyone defending their own choices can turn these topics to turn into controversial, divisive subjects.

3. Motherhood changes your identity.  For me, for the past five years, motherhood has been my identity. I am mom first, Amanda second. Because mothering is such an integral part of who we are, the parenting choices we make are really important to us.  When we feel like our choices are questioned, we feel personally attacked, or at least I do.  We want to defend our choices because we want to defend ourselves!

4. Moms need other moms to hang out with.  We need girlfriends to chat and vent and commune with.  We need people who we know are on our side.  So when we find these like-minded souls, it feels good to open up to them.  It's easy for the conversation to turn to mom-bashing.

5. When I was little, my mom always taught me that bullies have low self-esteem.  They make fun of other kids to make themselves feel better.  Sometimes even the most confident, most experienced mom can feel insecure, so it makes her feel a little better to knock someone else down a notch or two. 

Are any of these theories right?  Are they justified?  Of course not.  I'm making a resolution to be more supportive, less judgey as a mom.  I've always said that when it comes to motherhood, I believe in a woman's right to choose.  It's her body, her birth, her baby.  Now I'm going to really try to live out this mantra.  I want to own my personal parenting choices without judging anyone else's.  I want to enjoy the company of my girlfriends without smack-talking other moms.  And most importantly, I want to feel confident in myself as a mom because I am very important to three little boys in this world.  I want my sons to grow up to be men who value compassion and acceptance and tolerance.  If they don't learn that at home, they're probably not going to learn it at all.

What do you think?  Am I way off track?  Is there any chance the mommies of the world can all hold hands and unite and sing "Kumbaya"?

No matter what you think, please don't leave me ugly comments!  I don't think I can take being called the "b" word!