A quote from Ina May's Guide to Childbirth I had to share. It's from one of the birth stories, right after the birth when the mom holds her baby for the first time:
"I searched for something momentous to say, but no words came, only a ceaseless joy, the sort that sets the soul ablaze with love..."

I thought this really captured the feeling of that moment. I can't wait for to hold little Juicy Ghost, I mean Caleb. Can you tell I'm feeling emotional? ;)

Sent from my iPhone

What's in a Name?

I really wish babies came with a name.  It's such hard work to find the perfect name for your perfect baby that you're growing, and it's really a big responsibility.  After all, a name has the potential to really shape a kid's life.  I want something that's going to sound appropriate for a child and an adult, something that's not going to get him beat up in school, but at the same time, I don't want him to have to deal with having a bunch of other kids with the same name in his class growing up.  You only get one shot at naming your child, so it's definitely something to get right.  Such pressure!  If somehow they could just emerge from the womb with a little name tag that said, "Hello, my name is..." I'd be completely okay with it.

I was never one of those girls that had names for all of my someday-children growing up.  I just had one name that I wanted to give the daughter I would surely have someday - Stella.  Every time I've been pregnant, that has been the only girl name option for me.  I never really even cared if we were having a boy or a girl, I just wanted a girl someday so I could use the name Stella.  Now that I'm pregnant for the final time with our third boy, I've accepted the fact that I'll never have a Stella.  I'm completely okay with not having a daughter (I taught middle school.  I know how girls act during the teenage years), but not getting to use my name took awhile to get used to. 

He kind of looks like a Juicy Ghost!

That being said, we still had to come up with a name for our third son.  We're the kind of people that plan ahead.  Neither one of us would be okay with waiting until after our baby was born to give him a name - that would make me WAY too nervous.  Sammy, our oldest, had kindly decided on a name for us - Juicy Ghost.  While it has a nice ring to it, and it rolls off the tongue quite easily, we set out looking for something that would seem a little more legitimate on the birth certificate.  What a process!

Naming our first two sons was easy.  Sammy, son #1, was named after his grandfathers.  

Sammy and Poppy

Sammy and Grampy

Gabriel, son #2, was a name that we came to an agreement on after a few weeks of narrowing down lists, vetoes, and discussions, but it's a name that I've always loved.  How can you go wrong with naming your kid after an angel?  His middle name is also my husband's middle name.  

Gabriel

They both have names that hang out somewhere in the middle of the top 50 most popular boy names.  They're traditional, but at the same time, not every kid in the preschool class shares their names.  They were perfect for us.

This time around was a different story.  I didn't give any thought to baby names early on because I was sure that this time I was going to get my Stella.  However, at the big ultrasound, I didn't even have to wait for the technician to ask if I wanted to know the sex.  I had already seen "the jewels" while watching her do the official part of the scan.  My first thought was not heartbreak over the daughter I would never have, it was heartbreak over the name I would never get to use.  I was completely at a loss for a name for this kid.  To make matters worse, my husband was deployed.  There was no easy way to have the back and forth discussion of baby-namings past.  Instead, it was a few emails a week.  We decided to work on our separate lists and settle the matter when he got home.  

When I set out to make my list, I had a really hard time coming up with options.  I had already used my favorite boy names, and nothing popped out at me screaming, "Pick me! Pick me!"  My husband came home, and we talked about names here or there.  He had a favorite name that he really loved, and I just couldn't commit to it.  I just referred to the baby as Juicy Ghost.  Truthfully, I just couldn't get into the process this time around.  I looked at a few websites that are pretty cool like Nymbler and The Baby Name Wizard.  They have features that analyze names, they give sibling name suggestions, and they even have feedback from real people about how they like their own name.  One name that kept showing up was my husband's #1 choice, but I was still hesitant to agree to it.

I started to think about the subject a lot, and I came to the conclusion that my ambivalence about committing to a name might have some merit.  I'm not sure that a name really has the potential to affect a person's life as I originally thought.  Our baby is already a little person with his own personality, and he's oblivious to what his name will be.  I think that a baby comes to own his name much more than the name has the ability to influence the baby.  No matter what his name ended up being, a few years from now, we won't be contemplating the subject anymore.  He'll just be who he is.  After all, I can't imagine Sammy and Gabriel being named anything else.

How could I deny this guy?

I also thought about my husband, who had never really liked the name Stella.  He was just willing to use the name because he knew how much I loved it.  If I didn't care all that much, and he had a name that really mattered to him, it was only fair to let him use it.  So after a few more days of contemplation, I let him win.  Juicy Ghost's official name will be Caleb.  Now that he's had the name for a couple of weeks, it's really grown on me (although Sammy still isn't on board!).  It's almost as though he's had the name all along.


Still, if he had just been born with a little name tag, I'd have saved myself a lot of trouble.  Just sayin'...

Air-kisses and a Shamrock

Off to school!

Sammy's first day of school 2010

Sammy started his new school year today - finally!  He had a new classroom with a new teacher, which was a little unexpected.  He was expecting to have the teacher he had for summer school but was instead assigned one he'd never met before.  At open house on Saturday, he was understandably a little nervous about this change.  He stuck pretty close to me, and although he's always a little reserved in new situations, he's usually still inquisitive and chatty (this is an understatement if you know my Sammy).  I have to make a disclaimer here on his behalf.  The kid has been through a lot already since we've moved here seven months ago - a new school with two different teachers and two different rooms, a new home, two deployments, surgery on his belly button, and another pesky baby brother on the way to name a few changes. 

Needless to say, I was nervous about dropping him off today.  My poor baby was having a bit of a rough day.  We dropped Jesse off at his ship very early this morning for another "work trip" as Sammy calls them - just two weeks this time, but enough to have an impact on Sammy's little psyche.   Throughout the morning, he was coming up with excuses to stay home. He said he was tired, and wasn't sure if he wanted to go to school after all.  Maybe he'd just take the day off, since he had to wear sneakers, and he really felt like wearing Crocs.  He could just stay home and play with Gabriel instead of going to school.  

I was so worried that his anxiety would get the best of him, and he'd have a major meltdown.  I should have known better.  Sammy was ready and back in action when we got to school.  He hung his backpack up and walked into the room like he owned the place, introducing himself to his classmates, insisting to the teacher that he could write his own name on the sign-in sheet and letting her know that his favorite color was green, so he was glad she had a green marker for him to use.  He plopped himself down at a center and didn't even look back at me to say goodbye.  I called across the room to him, "Sammy, we're leaving.  Can I give you a kiss"?  He sighed and replied with an attitude that I could "air-kiss" him from where I was, and he'd see me later.

I left, and on the way home I cried tears that only a crazy, hormonal, pregnant mother like myself can cry.  Gabriel was crying in his car seat because he didn't want to leave Sammy, which only made matters worse.  I was so happy that Sammy seemed comfortable in his new room, and that he's so adaptable, but it made me so sad to see my little baby so grown up and independent.  He didn't even care that I was gone!   Was this only the beginning of him not wanting me around?  Would he be asking me to drop him off at the corner tomorrow instead of walking him into school?  He wouldn't even let me kiss him!  I felt rejected, and a little desperate.  It was like I almost wanted him to have a hard time with getting dropped off, just so I could be there to comfort him.  How insane is that?!  Seriously, pregnancy and motherhood have made me crazy.  I should be patting myself on the back and being grateful for having such a confident, secure little boy, not blubbering like an irrational idiot!

When I picked Sammy up after school, my mothering self-esteem was redeemed.  He ran up to me with a giant hug and immediately had to show me a tiny piece of confetti shaped like a shamrock taped to his shirt.  It was a treasure he'd found for me on the playground.  He wanted to bring it home to give to me, and his teacher taped it to his shirt so it wouldn't get lost.  We went to Chik-fil-A to celebrate his great first day, and he insisted on sitting right next to me in the booth.  I guess he still needs me after all.  I'll take it for as long as I can get it.  

Ready, Set, BIRTH!

Gabriel and I, still high on life after his birth

As someone who has been around the baby block a few times, I get asked a lot about what I recommend pregnant ladies do to have a memorable, positive birth.  I'm no expert, but I do come with experience from two very different births.  Although I'm a convert and true believer in natural, drug-free birth (another post on this to follow), I also believe in a woman's right to choose.  I also believe that no matter what kind of experience you think you might want for your own birth, educating yourself is essential.
So here goes...

The Top 5 Ways to Prepare for Labor

1. READ

With my first pregnancy, I didn't bother reading a whole lot about labor and delivery.  I was more concerned with how I would to get my newborn to sleep through the night once he arrived (still looking for that answer, by the way).  The second time around, I surrounded myself with books that delved deep into what labor actually entailed physically and emotionally, how to handle the intensity of contractions and the length of labor, and birth stories shared by other women.  Here's some of what I read:

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin

The Birth Partner

Birthing From Within

Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way

Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife

2. WATCH

I don't mean watch the scary reality baby shows on cable where every birth winds up in a crisis situation.  Those will just freak you out.  I'm also not talking about the fluffy cable birth shows like TLC's A Baby Story either.  Those glaze over what labor is really like.  I challenge you (and your partner) to watch films of actual births, with the nitty gritty details included.  If you've never seen a baby emerge from a woman's vagina, you need to.  It's going to happen to you.  The more you see, the less scary it becomes. If you take a childbirth class, you'll probably see at least one clip of a birth, but here are a few other good ones to check out (available through netflix.com):

Orgasmic Birth

The Business of Being Born

3. LISTEN

PregTASTIC pregnancy podcast is an amazing show all about pregnancy and childbirth.  There have been some amazing guests showcased in the almost 200 episodes available, but my favorite part is the panel of pregnant ladies who share their own pregnancy and birth experiences with the world.  The guests are great for educating yourself on everything from breastfeeding to gestational diabetes to vaccines, but the panelists are what personalize the show for me.  Ok, I'm a self-declared PregTASTIC groupie, but I have no shame in that!  Hearing the birth stories of so many women really helped me solidify what I wanted (and didn't want) my own birth to look like.  It also reminds me that I'm not the only pregnant chick on the planet!  You can download PregTASTIC from www.pregtastic.com, and it's also available on iTunes.  The best part?  It's FREE!

4. YOGA

Prenatal yoga was invaluable to me during my last pregnancy.  I dedicated two hours a week in a studio that became time focused solely on my body, my baby, and my upcoming birth.  It not only soothed my pregnancy aches and pains, but it made me stronger physically and mentally.  It got me pysched up for the whole-being marathon that childbirth can be.  I also made fast friends in my classes that I still cherish today.  It was my yoga instructors voices that I heard in my head during transition (the hardest part of labor), reminding me to breathe.
I meet a lot of people that tell me they have a yoga DVD they do at home.  I recommend that you make the investment and find a studio.  The camaraderie and individual instruction make a huge difference.

5. EDUCATE

Ok, this sounds redundant.  The first four recommendations were about educating yourself.  I also recommend finding a childbirth educator that teaches a class tailored to the kind of birth you hope to experience or hiring a doula that can educate you before the birth and be with you throughout your labor.  This doesn't mean just attend the one day class offered by your hospital.  I've been to that class, and it doesn't really cover birth.  I think it's a worthy class to attend, as it often includes caring for a newborn, infant CPR, and other essential things to know as a first-time parent.  However, I really recommend attending something more in-depth.  I knew I wanted a natural childbirth the second time around.  Because of my husband's schedule, we weren't able to attend a formal class.  Instead, I had a doula/certified childbirth educator come to our house one Saturday and give us a breakdown on how to succeed at natural childbirth.  She was amazing, and because it was just the three of us, we were able to cover a lot of material in just a day.

So, take it or leave it, that's my two cents.  I have a laundry list of other recommendations for reading material, etc., but this is enough to get most people started.

Holy S***, we're about to have three kids

This is my third pregnancy. By now, you would think I'd be a seasoned veteran at the emotional preparation that goes into having a baby. Think again. There has come a time in each of my pregnancies that reality hits, a moment that makes me realize I actually have a real, live person growing and moving inside of me that is eventually going to come out into the world and require decades of love and care and responsibility. This moment isn't really one of panic, but it's definitely surprising (what the heck did I think was moving and shaking in there all this time anyway?) and it makes me think about what life will be like after the arrival of our newest addition. I spend a lot of time during pregnancy thinking about labor and birth (who doesn't??), but I tend to just glaze over what comes after we go home from the hospital.

That moment hit me this time around in the grocery store the other day. I picked up a carton of milk that doesn't expire until November. Granted, it's the ultra-pasteurized organic kind, so it doesn't expire for a really long time, but I had this realization that the same container of milk could theoretically still be in our fridge when the new baby arrives. At first I laughed at the thought. With two little boys, that milk doesn't have a chance of lasting two whole days much less two months. Then I stopped and for whatever reason thought, "Holy shit, we're about to have three kids."

I have a whole new set of worries with that comes with mothering three boys. When I was pregnant with our second son, Gabriel, I was worried about loving two children. Our first son, Sammy, was my entire universe. How could I possibly love another child that much. AND, if I did manage to find room in my heart for twice that amount of love, then how would Sammy feel? Would he feel like he was thrown to the curb? Was I about to ruin him? I now know that there is certainly enough love to go around. What's even more special is how much Sammy and Gabriel love each other. We've had our moments, but I don't worry about how this baby will fit into our family. I know there's plenty of room in our hearts for loving him. I know it will be an adjustment to divide my time among three kids instead of two, but since I've done it before, I know it can be done. I also know I don't have to divide my heart - it somehow just grows bigger.

I'm more worried this time around about the logistics of having all these children. We've already upsized a vehicle (hello, minivan mama!), but we are definitely going to be a more cramped in our already-cramped townhouse. We have a lot of stairs and zero yard. I wonder about how I'll get three kids in and out of the house and car, how I'll get them all to sleep at (hopefully) the same time, how I'll get all of my housekeeping chores done (that I'm not exactly stellar at to begin with), how I'll fit all of them plus groceries in a shopping cart, and what exactly I'll do with them all day, EVERY day. When we go out as a family now, it's man-on-man defense. We can each take a kid. What will we do when there are three of them and two of us (or often times, just me!)?? How will this child survive infancy with two older brothers whose favorite pastime is wrestling?? What if I have to fly somewhere with all three kids by myself??

All of these thoughts zoomed through my head in the time it took me to put that darned milk in the shopping cart. I was brought back to reality by my two boys fighting over who had control of which steering wheel in their little rocket ship shopping cart, and I realized, this is life. We'll figure it out. We've grown as a family before, and we survived that transition. I'll probably go crazy in the next few years (if I haven't already), I might have less brain cells and more grey hair, but I'm sure we'll have lots of laughs and slobbery kisses along the way, too. I'll keep you posted.