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Can't We All Just Get Along?

I recently had to remove myself from a few "mommy" websites.  I loved the content - articles and blogs and forums created by other moms.  As a self-declared birth junkie and mother of three boys, I love that stuff.  However, I just couldn't take the comments from random readers anymore.  These moms were so mean-spirited and hateful that I had to stop following.  Unlike the warmth and open-ness embraced by PregTASTIC listeners and panelists (insert shameless plug here!), these women were ruthless. One even wished cancer on another one and called her the "b" word!  Seriously?!

I first chalked it up to the anonymity of the Internet, a freedom in being able to say whatever you want with no repercussions.  But when I got to thinking about it, I've come to the conclusion that moms are "judgey" in real life, too, although we might not share our opinions as openly. 

I get judged all the time in the world of moms.  Here's the run-down on my pregnancy/birth/motherhood style: I gave birth to my children in a hospital setting (the first with "the works," the next two without drugs), I breastfeed my babies whenever and wherever they are hungry for about a year,  and I use chlorine-free disposable diapers.  So the crunchy mamas want to know why I didn't give birth at home, how I could wean my babies so quickly, and why in the world aren't I using cloth diapers?  Then the modern mamas think I'm crazy for having a baby without drugs, think I'm "one of those" crazy breastfeeders, and do I think I'm better than them because they use Pampers?  Of course I'm stereotyping and pigeon-holing and dramatizing for the purposes of this blog.  Sometimes, however, I feel like I'm defending my actions way more than I need to with other moms.  And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm guilty of some mommy-judging, too.

Motherhood is rough.  It's a long, tough journey.  Wouldn't it be better if we supported each other and helped each other instead of judging and bashing?  Can't we agree to disagree?  Of course!  So why do we still do it??

Here are my theories:

1. Women can be catty and competitive.  I'm pretty sure it's just a carry-over from our middle school days.  Instead of backpacks and trapper-keepers and school pictures, we're comparing our minivans and BPA-free teething toys, and how cute our babies are.  Of course we want to be the best and have the best and look the best when it comes to our children!

2. In today's society, we have a lot of options on how to parent - childbirth, feeding, circumcision, sleeping, diapering, eco-friendly parenting, the list goes on forever!  There's probably research and books published to support any parenting decision and any philosophy out there.  Parents want to do the best job they can for their kids, so they do their research (hopefully), make a choice, and stick to it.  Everyone defending their own choices can turn these topics to turn into controversial, divisive subjects.

3. Motherhood changes your identity.  For me, for the past five years, motherhood has been my identity. I am mom first, Amanda second. Because mothering is such an integral part of who we are, the parenting choices we make are really important to us.  When we feel like our choices are questioned, we feel personally attacked, or at least I do.  We want to defend our choices because we want to defend ourselves!

4. Moms need other moms to hang out with.  We need girlfriends to chat and vent and commune with.  We need people who we know are on our side.  So when we find these like-minded souls, it feels good to open up to them.  It's easy for the conversation to turn to mom-bashing.

5. When I was little, my mom always taught me that bullies have low self-esteem.  They make fun of other kids to make themselves feel better.  Sometimes even the most confident, most experienced mom can feel insecure, so it makes her feel a little better to knock someone else down a notch or two. 

Are any of these theories right?  Are they justified?  Of course not.  I'm making a resolution to be more supportive, less judgey as a mom.  I've always said that when it comes to motherhood, I believe in a woman's right to choose.  It's her body, her birth, her baby.  Now I'm going to really try to live out this mantra.  I want to own my personal parenting choices without judging anyone else's.  I want to enjoy the company of my girlfriends without smack-talking other moms.  And most importantly, I want to feel confident in myself as a mom because I am very important to three little boys in this world.  I want my sons to grow up to be men who value compassion and acceptance and tolerance.  If they don't learn that at home, they're probably not going to learn it at all.

What do you think?  Am I way off track?  Is there any chance the mommies of the world can all hold hands and unite and sing "Kumbaya"?

No matter what you think, please don't leave me ugly comments!  I don't think I can take being called the "b" word!

The 4-Month Slump

The honeymoon is over.  I have entered a period I like to call the “four-month slump.”  It’s a little phase that I never knew existed before I had a baby, and one that I always forget about until my hair starts falling out around four months after giving birth. Literally. By the handful.  Pretty gross, right?

I hit the four month mark, and I hit a wall.  I think it’s a perfect storm of hormones shifting and exhaustion taking its toll, but three times over, I’ve had the same experience. It’s not depression, by any means. It’s just a feeling of being a little down and overwhelmed, and it always begins with the postpartum hair loss and ends about two months later.

My hair might be falling out by the handful on its own, but I’m also ready to pull the rest out!

I AM TIRED OF BEING TIRED!!!  I don’t make babies that easily sleep through the night at 6 weeks.  Or 12 weeks.  Or ever.  I try to savor the midnight nursings, but lately, I pass out in the glider with my baby as soon as he’s latched on to me.  We wake up an hour later and start the whole process over again.  Eventually he goes back in his crib, and I stumble back to my bed just to be woken up by my two older sons at the crack of dawn, and the day begins anew!

Being so tired makes me downright cranky and crazy.  It’s harder to handle my older boys because their normal little boy behavior suddenly seems completely obnoxious and annoying.  I get overwhelmed by the fact that we have SO many children, and that life is not going to slow down for the next 18 years or so.  Then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  I am so blessed to have three healthy, amazing boys, and I have the luxury to choose to stay home with them.  I need to enjoy this time, as it is so fleeting!  See what I mean about the tired making me crazy?  I can’t think straight!

There are other things  that aren’t helped by sleep deprivation.  I don’t have my pre-baby figure back yet (will I ever??), but I’m far enough postpartum that I can’t exactly use the excuse that I “just had a baby.”  I have free daycare at our YMCA, but the effort just to get there seems daunting.  I look at the other polished moms at preschool with envy – you know, the ones with the full face of make up, hair and nails done, and the designer shoes?  How do they do it??  It’s all I can do to get there on time, and I feel like a frumpy-dump, hopping out of my minivan in a ponytail and flip-flops.  I have so many tasks, and so little time, and I feel like someone always wants a piece of me!  I don’t have time for blow-drying and pedicures!  And who am I kidding?  I’m a flip-flop and ponytail kind of girl anyway.  Normally it wouldn’t bother me, as I’m comfortable in my own make-up-less skin.  I know that the post-baby body is a controversial subject.  I’m not talking about being super skinny.  I just want the muffin top to go away and look healthy, and since I’ve achieved that goal twice before, I have expectations.

I can’t get anything done around here, and I get down on myself for it.  I know moms of multiple kids that mill their own flour and only feed their kids unprocessed, whole foods.  I know other moms that do crafts and sew their kids’ clothes and actually keep baby books on all of their kids.  I know other moms (who I really, really admire) that work full time, then come home and deal with a gaggle of kids, and they somehow manage to cook and clean and do laundry without sticking their kids in front of the TV. So what’s my problem?!

The good thing about this phase is that I know it has an end, as I’ve been through this before.  Eventually, I’ll hit my rock-bottom of sleep deprivation and decide it’s time for baby #3 to learn to self-soothe (You’ll probably see another blog from me then about my love-hate relationship with “crying it out”).  Getting to sleep all night again will make me feel so much better.  I’ll stop comparing myself to other moms because it’s just wrong.  As my hair stops falling out, and I keep up trips to the Y, I’ll feel better about myself physically.  I’ll have more energy for chasing my kids around, too.

But for now, can’t I just have a nap?

Can I put this on my Resume?

My Bosses

This spring my oldest son will turn five.  That means I've been unemployed for five years.  I joke that I'm on an indefinite sabbatical.  Sometimes I even like to say I'm retired, although that implies I lead a life of leisure.

I used to daydream about not working back before I had children.  I never really liked getting up and going into work every morning.  It was such a drag.  The thought of hanging out in PJ's, drinking coffee, taking naps, and watching soap operas for the rest of my life was so appealing.  I even secretly hoped we could space out our baby-timing so that I could stay home for longer. HAHAHA.  I hope all you stay-at-home moms out there are laughing at me right now.

Even though that's NOT what my life is like as a stay-at-home mom, I still love my job.  Sometimes, however, it gets tedious, even monotonous.  I then have a grass-is-greener moment and fantasize about working (never would have predicted that!).  For a fleeting second, I long for the day that my kids are a little older and I go out and get a job, one that involves other grown-ups and wearing cute outfits that require dry cleaning and going on business lunches.  Then I am consumed with terror that when that day comes for me to return to the workforce, a prospective employer will see me as a lazy sack who's been unemployed for a decade, not as a woman who chose to stay home to raise babies.

My current bosses are pretty cute and pay me with sloppy kisses and rocks picked up from parking lots, but they would definitely have their drawbacks if I tried to use them as a reference.  They can't read or write, so a letter of recommendation is out of the question.  They don't care that I used to be smart and once graduated with highest honors from a university.  If you ask my four year old what Mommy's job is, he says "You make dinner and milk the baby."  Basically, they're no help at all.

So since I can't rely on my kids to help get me a job someday, I'm polishing up my resume to make my mommy skills seem more marketable.  After all, I don't think an employer will find my obsession with birth or my "eau de spit up" perfume very worthwhile qualities.  Here's a sampling of what I'll include.



Education

B.S. in Domestic Engineering from Motherhood University, 2006

Professional Experience
Chief of Operations, McFadden Industries, 2006-present


Skills


Waste Management

• Earned the distinction of changing over 10,000 diapers, many of them poopy.  
• Proven proficiency at changing diaper blow-outs with minimal damage to baby, clothing, and furniture.  
• The ability to wipe multiple butts while simultaneously talking on the phone, checking Facebook, and playing Candyland shows outstanding multi-tasking skills.

Logistics Expert 

• Successfully kept three children alive through such precarious and complicated scenarios such as navigating school parking lots, karate classes, grocery super centers, theme park lines, cross-country airline flights, trips to the park, and crossing the street.

Research and Development

• Grew a human being on three separate occasions 
• After extensive analysis and research, implemented numerous, varied courses of action to get baby to sleep longer than two hours at a time
• Spent countless hours on Google researching preschools, developmentally appropriate toys, and various childhood ailments

Mediator

• Extensive on-the-job-training in conflict/resolution
• Tirelessly worked to create a peaceful work environment

Other responsibilities included but were not limited to: education facilitator, financial services, culinary arts, recreation supervisor, transportation coordinator, and boo-boo kisser.


What do you think?  What has been your experience?  How do employers view a 10 year gap in employment history?


If you're a stay-at-home mom looking to return to the workforce soon, the web is full of helpful resources.  I've learned that an absence from work because you were home raising babies is much more favorable than a decade away from work for other reasons (because you were in prison, for instance!).  And you really can include your mommy skills on your return-to-work resume.  You just have to get the wording right!  For tips, tricks, and articles, check out:

Moms Back To Work
Resume-help.org
How to Document Stay-at-home-Mom Experience
How Stay-at-Home Moms Can Get back to Work
Returning to Work After Years at Home
O*NET